Balance and the power of values

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Balance and the power of values.

I did a job yesterday, that I have been putting off for weeks.

For 9 hrs I plugged away, trying to remove the tiles and plaster away from their porous host. I started off by focusing on about 16 tiles that I wanted to remove, my rooms an odd shape so these 16 would have cleared a part of the room. I invested in an SDS drill with tile lifter chisel, I had previously removed the tiles with hammer and bolster, but there’s only so long you can go before your grip and strength goes, the plaster underneath was a real sod too, it took three times as long to remove the plaster compared to a tile.

Things are a bit tight now, so didn’t want to splash out on the drill.

Previously I had spent three days, hammering away with my bolster, a total of 12 hrs, not wasted but not 12 effective hours either. I bit the bullet and put it on my credit card, the right tool for the job makes a hell of a difference, I slipstreamed the job. Every moment I spent on the tool I felt I was making amazing progress.

Sometimes you must invest, in things which can save time/slipstream or advance you further than you would have been plugging away with your own hand tools.

2017 has been the year that I have invested the most in myself, Masterminds, trainings, all moving me closer to my goal. There are more trainings forecast for next year, Counselling, ACT, Quality, Lean Six Sigma, and one I would like to put on there is writing. I want to be able to write effectively so people can hear and see my message.

I believe I have something to offer the world, a desire to help others,

What that looks like is still formulating within me, All I know is that it’s coming from a place of sincerity.

Without that investment where would I, be?

Still frustrated! Still angry! Still pissed off but not knowing why. This year I feel I have grown, emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Within Reiki, there are 7 aspects which surround your body,

All need to be fed and honoured,

In the material world the ones which affect us the most are ones I mentioned above. All this is work in progress, there are many things I could be better at. Yet I find myself not focusing on what I could be better at, I constantly reflect on situations and events, I ask myself if they went as I had wished, if yes then great, if no then what could I have done to get the result I wanted.

All the while trying to act from a place of compassion, authenticity and integrity. I read my values every day when I wake, I feel it helps me to align with how I want to be in the world. I found the task of defining you values difficult at first, there were so many to pick from, and many which meant a similar thing.

The best method I have seen is to give yourself 3 mins, start circling those that you really feel you want to stand for. You’re looking for about 12 values for this stage, though you could have as many as you want.

Then write them down in the any order,

And ask yourself is it a definite?

If it is, it stays, if not compare it to the one below, which would you keep?

Eventually you should have around 6 values,

Write them somewhere you will see them every day.

When you interact with people, ask yourself did you espouse the values you hold dear,

For example, if you have love or compassion,

Do you find yourself gossiping or poking fun at people?

If you do, you might want to look at the behaviour.

For your body to be aligned and balanced you need to be living the ideals you have just laid out for yourself. You need to be congruent and being congruent isn’t always easy. There will be slips, there will be times you say or do something which conflicts with those values, remember:

YOU ARE HUMAN.

The best thing to do is recognise the mistake and correct going forward.

Finding my values, was one of the biggest, game changers for me. By being aware of how I am, I am holding myself to higher expectations. It brings clarity on how and when to act, being able to respond in a way that is in alignment with who you are, and what you stand for can bring peace to the anger and frustration.

The two that guide me daily are.

1. Always do the right thing.

2. Treat others as you wish to be treated.

Please try it out and let me know how you get on, or if you feel you can add to this reach out and tell me.

Check out my podcast, http://shoutengine.com/TheMidlifeCrisisMan/joel-ingram-an-introduction-55862 for android or iTunes https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/joel-ingram-an-introduction/id1368546484?i=1000408234597&mt=2

to hear more on breaking free from our thoughts and action which define our lives. Your path is not set, the only thing that keeps you on your path is your decision to keep on walking on it, it’s a choice. Everything is a choice.

What do you want?

Tap.. tap… tap, tap, tap.

He always does this!!!!

Tap, Tap, Tap,

Alright, I’ll get up now.

I stumble out of bed to see the dog doing his “let me outside dance”,

Bloody laminate floor, why don’t I put carpet down?

That would be no good in the long run, in case he has an accident.

It’s frustrating lately when he does that, not sure why.

Anyway, why am I still ranting about this?

 

Its 06.30, I’ve slept in again.

I could have been up at 5. I had come out of my 5th cycle of sleep,

I had woken, and felt quite refreshed from sleep, yet I turn into the wife for more cwtches.

It annoys me when I do this.

 

The morning is the quiet time of the day, where are no distractions or interruptions.

It’s really the only time I get to push my dream forward without beating myself up, for not doing more with the kids.

I’m very self-critical. I am constantly overthinking things.

My life revolves around my family, to the point where I do nothing for me.

I recently did an online Mastermind, with a talented group of guys.

We all had our own struggles.

Some bigger than others, it was great to get the different perspectives on situations.

Clarity will vary rarely appear if you stay inside your own head.

Because you are only looking at the problem/situation with what you already know.

I know I run things over and over. I’m an engineer by trade.

I wonder if my need to not double handle things, drives this behaviour.

 

Overthinking for me can lead to procrastination and analysis paralysis.

Neither of which are helpful, if you want to get things done.

Since the mastermind I have been consistent with keeping a journal.

Its therapeutic to put things in there that I need clarity or an answer to.

I try to leave the questions fresh in my mind, so they are running through my head before I sleep.

Not in a way that drives you bonkers, just a question, so my unconscious can go to work and help me out.

It works to, through the next day, I’ll get flashes of inspiration, completely random ideas, someone will mention something in a podcast that sheds a bit of clarity.

 

A friend might mention something, there will be some coincidence, or chance happening.

I believe in synchronicity. I believe the situation or circumstance you find yourself in, no matter how random,

be it what you want or what you don’t, is provided by the universe,

These circumstances are put here to move us forward, help us grow.

I think that’s our job as human beings, to experience emotionally the world of our creation.

To review our reactions, and ascertain whether they are helpful.

Are we being the person we want to be?

Are our habits helping us or hurting us?

The desire to do more and be more.

I know I want to be more, I want to leave a legacy behind, for my children’s children.

I want to leave a legacy that has a massive positive impact on this world.

The only way I am going to do this, is to be the type of person, who gets up to move himself forward,

Who gets up between 04.30 and 5,

To write articles about problems and things I have going on in my own life that may in some way help others gain clarity with theirs.

 

My eldest son, is 12 now and started playing video games at the age of 6,

My youngest, started at 4, he wanted to play with his brother.

The youngest one in the house, has learned from me, his mother his brother and his sister,

He has seen years’ worth of tactics and tips, quietly passed on, while playing.

I played yesterday with him and his level of ability far exceeds what I would have expected.

The passing on of gaming advice has allowed him to slipstream his learning.

Imagine, if the world was able to harness and share and collaborate,

Not for money, but for the good of mankind.

Imagine the learning environment, our children’s, children could be in.

Imagine where they could be?

Elon Musk wants to die on Mars, though not on impact.

How big, can hopes and dreams be?

Living on another planet is pretty up there,

What is your biggest dream?

What would it bring to the world?

Will your current habits, get you there?

Could you improve anywhere?

Moving Forward

Today was a WIN.

I mean I crushed most of my goals by midday.

There’s 6 on the hit list, or power list as Andy Frisella calls it.

This is the tool I have used to make sure that every day I am moving forward.

Whether its learning, health, meditation, waking early.

It can be whatever you want it to be.

I have 3 done 2 outstanding,

The first one I can do nothing about,

Its wake at 05.00, I decided not to, rolled over and cwtched into my wife.

The other one is the one that I SHOULD have focused on today,

But there again the other task I had to do too.

 

Justification is slipping in.

Let’s clarify this,

05.00 wake,

Water and vitamins ü,

Read values ü,

Help friend with course ü,

Write 2 articles,

21.30 bed ü.

 

But the ones I didn’t do, were still on my mind.

Not just on my mind, they were sucking me, sucking the energy out of me.

 

The crazy thing here is I love writing, so why didn’t I just do it.

I could have found time to, just start. As I’m reflecting, there is lots that running through my mind.

Am I good enough to write?

Will people be interested in what I write?

Do these articles provide value.

There’s A LOT of questions right there, before I even start. All bouncing around my head.

 

It looks better to see them down on paper, they look less scary, and more surmountable.

With all those questions though the one question I didn’t ask myself was.

What if I don’t?

What if I don’t write?

How does that make me feel?

What do I derive from writing?

I enjoy writing and even though I hope people have an interest in what I write,

And that the articles provide value, for someone.

I write because I enjoy it, it’s what I want to spend more time doing.

It allows me to learn and get a unique perspective on things,

Which is crazy when all I am doing is reading and writing my own life back to me.

 

I’m writing this the morning after I failed to do those tasks.

They were my primary objectives for today.

The frustration and anger and all the other feelings and emotions that went in to making myself feels like,

well not the best.

They had served a purpose, to generate a desire to achieve the things I wanted to achieve.

 

Its 09.00 am,

05.30

Water and vitamins.DONE

Values. DONE

1st article. DONE

2nd article.DONE

21.30.

I have done 4 of the 6 things that were one my list.

I have done the things that have moved me forward and helped me grow.

Today is already a WIN.

I am feeling positive about the day, and like attracts like, so am looking forward to the rest of the day.

My mind and what goes on in there.

My tea has finished steeping, and my thirst is coming on,

I rise creakily and slowly, joints don’t move like they used too.

Same routine, splash of milk, push the bag against the side of the cup, half a sugar, even this lately has me telling myself off in my head,

I recently read an article about sugar. It was saying one of the worst things you can have for your cells first thing in the morning is sugar. As sugar feeds the defective cells in the body, it went on to say basically that sugar is the food of cancer. Note to self. Got to remember to find more out about this.

I come back to the office, through the unlit room, towards the light that’s squeezing itself through the door,

Something in the window caught my eye, I can’t see the shed?

Why can’t I see the shed?

There’s a shape there, holy crap someone must be looking at me right now as I’m walking towards the office,

Is it a killer, robber, or just somebody that wants to stare through windows at 6 o clock in the morning?

What do I do, I can hear my pulse in my ears, I’ll keep walking might scare them and they run off,

I’ll bang the window, and shout at them,

I’ll open the door and, why is the guy in the window holding a cup of tea?

Oh my god, drama over.

Sit back down to refocus, the plan today is to write two pieces,

This article is chugging away, but every now and then, my brain drags me away to think about what I’m going to write about for the other article.

This is frustrating, Right. Concentrate.

And breathe…

I love writing, I can remember when I was in Primary School,

The teachers making a fuss of my creative writing,

Then kept my book to show auditors and future classes as an example.

I used to love that subject,

I wonder at what point that aspect got side-tracked?

When your young they tell you, about all the different things you can do or be.

But at some point, they take all the wind out your sails, and reality hits home.

 

What do you want to be when your bigger? What would you like to do for a job?

I correct myself every time I say this to my kids,

I now say, how can you make a living, from doing what makes you happy.

I wonder how many people reading this find themselves in jobs, they just sort of fell into.

You knew that it paid well. Or it was a secure. What does Uncle Dave do, he has a nice car?

What pays well?

 

How many of us, were encouraged to plan for the future in a way that allowed us to utilise the aspects of our self that we were most committed to?

As opposed to interested in. Commitment is a different animal.

Are you interested in living the life you want?

Or are you committed to living the life you want?

When you come up against the struggles or disappointments which will inevitably occur,

The mindset of interested will quickly buckle and then you will start to justify why you can’t do it, or why it’s’ not convenient right now.

The mindset of committed however changes the game.

 

My wife ran the Cardiff 10K marathon the other day,

In her wisdom she decided to run 10k three days before too, just to see how far they could go.

She did not say “if I finish this race…”

Upon starting she said, “when I finish this race….”,

It was already done, she had left herself no option other than finishing.

You might not run marathons, but there are so many times throughout you day,

where you act with complete conviction that you probably don’t even realise.

 

Ask yourself. How do you tell yourself to go to toilet?

I need the toilet,

Or, I’m going to toilet.

You are telling yourself, need and going are words that don’t let you question, and you certainly wouldn’t say I’m interested.

The option to ask WHY is not given, with something so necessary.

Same with food, you will get to a point where if you are hungry enough,

I’m going to have dinner, or if you are not hungry you might say,

I’m not interested.

The point I’m trying to make here is that how we talk to ourselves in our heads directly affects,

Our ability to achieve the things we want.

 

If you were to think about the things, you have started but not finished,

There would be some aspect to it that you were not 100% committed to.

For me that’s my weight,

I have always wanted to be bigger as in muscularly,

However, I would start and just seem to make some gains but never really see the progress I wanted.

The truth is I hadn’t considered the amount of time it would take for me to get where I wanted to be.

 

Eventually, the excuses would start,

for me feeling guilty about going to the gym, when the family was at home, felt justified.

I would do overtime in work, then justify I couldn’t go to the gym as it was too late and I hadn’t seen the family.

Yet if I had committed to this task, I would have found a way to manage it.

 

I could have woken earlier,

I could have hit the gym before work.

I could have gone for a run while everyone was sleeping,

I could have done a routine in the house.

Truth was I never did.

I was not committed.

Do you know what changed…?

Nothing.

Hi, my name is Joel Ingram.

This adventure has come about through my journey to be a better person, husband to my wife, dad to my 3 children, son to mum and dad, and live a life that when I leave this mortal realm, I will know the world has been better for me being in it.

So how did I get here?

Truth is it wasn’t planned, not by me anyway, I was lucky enough to find a kind, caring beautiful woman who loves me and I her.

Three children 12,11 and 4 years old, all very different characters, that make our house and lives busy and fun and full of love.

I am in the process of fulfilling a quest I started in 1999,

Since the age of eighteen I have been interested in ancient wisdom, spirituality, healing, alternative healing. I met a kindred spirit at my then employer who introduced me to another world of thinking and possibilities. He had left our employer 10 years previous, to pursue backpacking in Australia, living life and having experiences.

Luckily for me, he impacted my thinking, even though it doesn’t fit with mainstream, it was something I felt strongly enough about that being seen reading about it and talking to this person about it was more important then what people thought of me for doing it. Each to his own, I always found it curious how people would attack verbally, beliefs or things that didn’t quite fit their interpretation of the world.

He left a few years later. Disenchanted with the consumerism and materialisticness of the environment he was in. How brave to be able to leave a job that you know, doesn’t fit with you values and ideals.

In September 2004, I was over halfway through a course on Shiatsu. I was enjoying it and had visions of my own practice. Then I met my wife, I went a couple of times after we met, though my mind was never really on it after that. I quit, in pursuit of my wife to be.

In 2006, I enrolled on a spiritual course that led me to become aware of energy, intuition, auras and psychic abilities. The course was mind expanding and we all had our eyes well and truly opened by what we can do. The lady who ran the course told us of her sister who held healing evenings at her house, once a week free of charge. This spoke to me, at a deeper level and have never really forgotten. It is still there ticking away in the background and will present itself when the opportunity arises.

This led me into training in Indian Head Massage, Metamorphic Technique, and then into becoming a Reiki Master, with a with a local healer In Bridgend. She was a wonderful teacher, bright bubbly and a little bonkers, which is good.

We qualified in 2008, and started Aquarianholistics, we were a home based, and offered reiki, metamorphic ad Indian head massage. Just so happened we opened during ones of the toughest years on record for business. Within 18 months we closed, we were unable and unwilling to keep supplementing the business from our personal pot.

I doubled down on work, focussed on getting money in to get the numerous tasks around the house completed. To say we bought a money pit was a bit of an understatement. We did learn a valuable lesson though, never skip the full inspection by auditors before you buy your house.

I grew weary of dayshift the bitching and backstabbing, it really wasn’t a place I wanted to be I sought solace on nights. My wife was happy to let me do it as she knew I was happier on nights than days. During this period, I was temperamental, lack of sleep, is one of the greatest enemies of a healthy mind and body. My patience grew shorter with the children, they’re not listening or “naughty “behaviour, was a red flag to a bull.

My relationship with my eldest was deteriorating, and that scared the hell out of me. My behaviour was stressing everyone in the house out, and didn’t realise how bad things had got, my wife has always been quiet and never expressed what was on her mind, but I knew something was wrong, after being pressed by me, she finally broke down in tears, and said she couldn’t stand me being nights, or how I was when I was on them.

The first day back I approached my boss and filled her in. 2 weeks later I was back days. We discussed how bad it had got, and for my wife it was make or break, it scared me to think I could lose my wife and my family, it scared me further to think, my wife would have let it get this bad and not said something sooner. I expressed my concern, and we had a long discussion on the power of communication, and how our ability to get through problems, was completely dependent on us both feeling able to raise an issue. The reason she hadn’t said though was because she knew how much I enjoyed the shift.

I was now back days, and felt the need to try make up the shortfall in our money. We got a few things done, but nowhere near what we could have done with clarity about what we wanted and then putting a plan in place to focus on. I was stressed, dealing with people that made me unhappy, missed the children because of overtime. Was never present while I was home, thinking of the next thing, we had to pay for, how many hours I had to work for it.

The relationship with my eldest was growing worse, we have tried multiple things to try and interact differently with him, even looked at Autism, adhd, his hearing. I remember arguing one day, and getting to the point where I knew there would be no coming back. I took a deep breath and left his room.

Something changed that day, like I could physically feel it.

I had looked at the way we interacted with him before, however, to no avail, this time I didn’t focus on him. I focussed on me. What was I doing, that made him dig his heels in, made him want to rebel so vehemently that he would instantly defy what I had said.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Mr Bumble.

I am strict, according to my children. They have however admitted that they like that I am that way.

Their favourite teachers tend to be the ones which kept order and were strict too. I think it’s kind of a love hate thing. On a deeper level than they are aware, they desire the security that comes with someone being in control, guiding them, nurturing and leading them forward.

When I generally asked for something, it was to keep him or his brother and sister safe, or property or to contribute. It been a long time since I raised my voice like I used to. Sometimes things slip, and that’s ok too, I’m not perfect this is all work in progress and requires constant reflection, but without reflecting on events where you could maybe have handled things differently there is no opportunity to grow. For me, if I find myself becoming reactive, is too,

  1. Stop.
  2. Assess. Is this encounter going the way I want it to?
  3. Redirect. If no then, what response from me could help me to the outcome I want.

The key as I found it is consistency, it’s never too late to press pause.

My generation, well most of my friends my age, had an upbringing of listening to your parents, irrespective of what they were saying you just did it.

My father was old school, I recall apologising for something that I hadn’t done. It was easier to do that than try make him believe or put my view over.

The journey is not over yet. It never really ends, trying to shape them into people that possess good moral character. The world needs more people who are willing to do the right thing.

Fast forward to 2017 and I have completed my NLP Master Practitioner course. Something that I was compelled to do way back in 1999. It was not to be then, I can see why now, the path has been winding and long, but all my experiences in life and fatherhood give me a unique perspective on life, which would not have been able to comprehend back then.

Here I will share my thoughts, insights into my mindset and my communication with myself and others. Hopefully this in some way may inspire or guide you to try something different if what you are currently doing isn’t working.

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you always get what you’ve always gotten.”

Jesse Potter